Undefined: The Identity I Didn’t Know I’d Lose
Post-grad malaise is real. I didn’t even know it was a thing, so much so that I had to research what I’ve been feeling.
post-grad malaise (n.) that funk you fall into after finishing a degree when you realize the thing you spent years grinding toward is done, and nobody handed you a roadmap for what comes next. see also: now what?
I graduated undergrad in 2014, took a little bit of time off, then hopped right into a grad program and have basically been in school ever since. Being a student has been such a huge part of my identity. And now that I’m DONE done… I just feel so undefined.
It hasn’t even been a month since I defended. A month. And I’m already spiraling, trying to figure out what comes next instead of just sitting with the fact that I finished something really hard. I don’t know why I can’t just let myself have that.
The regalia arrived at the start of last week, and I left it in the box until the end of the week. Grad photos are coming up. Graduation is coming up. I should be excited about all of it. Part of me is. But another part of me is so in my head about next steps that I keep casually glossing over the milestone I’m literally standing on top of right now.
I googled all the emotions I’d been feeling because I thought something was wrong with me. Turns out it’s a whole thing. The specific disorientation that hits when a long chapter closes and you don’t have a built-in next thing to slot into. For over a decade, I always had a “next thing”. Next semester. Next program. Next milestone. The structure was just…. there. And I didn’t realize how much of my sense of self lived inside that structure until it was gone.
I’m a lifelong learner. That’s not changing. I know I’ll figure out what’s next. But right now I’m in this weird in-between where I don’t have a title or a cohort or a deadline, and it feels like a freefall even though, logically, I know it’s not.
I really just needed to get this out. I’ve been holding it close because it feels strange to be anything other than celebratory right now. But the malaise is real, and sitting with it is hard, and I’m trying to be honest with myself about where I actually am instead of where I think I should be.
I’m not done processing this. Not even close. But writing it down feels like something.
